DECIDE!

I woke up this morning and I find myself plunging into my old self again. I’m losing my focus again. Drifting into that blackness. I find it very easy to go back into that old bad habit. I thought my fight was over. I thought I am free and in control of my thoughts but, I am wrong. Goddamn wrong. I am losing focus.
I entered that mad circle again. My mad world. Something is wrong with me. I feel I’m lost again and need to find that "fire within". I’M PROCRASTINATING AGAIN!
I have to make a change. A lasting change. And I have to find that courage again.
I MUST LIVE IN THE PRESENT
I MUST STOP PUTTING OFF BEING HAPPY.
DECIDE!!!
Life’s a bit too short to be crying over my lost opportunities and mistakes.

The Last Star Before Dawn

Living in her shadow, inseparable like the yin & yang, was a painful memory embedded deep in the corners of my mind. It was a long time ago and I tried hard to bury the pain attached to that mistake. All was said and done. The so-called relationship was over for more than a year now, but her shadow is still torturing my heart. The scent of the peaceful night, that silent patio and the last star you see before dawn all reminds me of the emotions attached to her shadow: love and regret, happiness and misery, fulfillment and pain.

I played my part, which is what I thought. I used to believe that the music I am playing was in harmony with the song of her heart. But I was wrong. I was lead to believe that she was only concerned about her song but I realized that I was only listening to my music and not to her song. I can’t find meaning to her song. The disharmony builds up and the loving music we created became noise. A noise that cuts a deep wound in my heart. Forever hurting.

Like a turtle that hates his shell, I go on with life. My protective shell, hardened by life’s trials and pain, became my burden. I tried hard to break free with my shell, to fly and be released of my pains. But I am wrong. All those years of trying to break free is a terrible error. I was so shocked when I realized that in trying to forget and trying to get rid of my burden, I was slowly killing myself. Paralyzing my other emotions. Overlooking great opportunities. Alienating Me, Myself and I.

While staring at that lonely star before dawn, the way we used to do when we want to explore our thoughts, I realized that regret, pain and heartaches are actually positive emotions in my life’s journey. It is impossible for me to forget. While I was fighting to erase and find cure for the emotional pain of my past, I am actually pouring more pain to myself.

I was like a tempestuous sea

trying to become a tranquil lake

only to realize that

I was the one making the terrible waves.

Like a soaring wild bird that is just been freed from a cage after years of captivity, I cried hard and moved on with ACCEPTANCE in my heart.