DECIDE!

I woke up this morning and I find myself plunging into my old self again. I’m losing my focus again. Drifting into that blackness. I find it very easy to go back into that old bad habit. I thought my fight was over. I thought I am free and in control of my thoughts but, I am wrong. Goddamn wrong. I am losing focus.
I entered that mad circle again. My mad world. Something is wrong with me. I feel I’m lost again and need to find that "fire within". I’M PROCRASTINATING AGAIN!
I have to make a change. A lasting change. And I have to find that courage again.
I MUST LIVE IN THE PRESENT
I MUST STOP PUTTING OFF BEING HAPPY.
DECIDE!!!
Life’s a bit too short to be crying over my lost opportunities and mistakes.

The Last Star Before Dawn

Living in her shadow, inseparable like the yin & yang, was a painful memory embedded deep in the corners of my mind. It was a long time ago and I tried hard to bury the pain attached to that mistake. All was said and done. The so-called relationship was over for more than a year now, but her shadow is still torturing my heart. The scent of the peaceful night, that silent patio and the last star you see before dawn all reminds me of the emotions attached to her shadow: love and regret, happiness and misery, fulfillment and pain.

I played my part, which is what I thought. I used to believe that the music I am playing was in harmony with the song of her heart. But I was wrong. I was lead to believe that she was only concerned about her song but I realized that I was only listening to my music and not to her song. I can’t find meaning to her song. The disharmony builds up and the loving music we created became noise. A noise that cuts a deep wound in my heart. Forever hurting.

Like a turtle that hates his shell, I go on with life. My protective shell, hardened by life’s trials and pain, became my burden. I tried hard to break free with my shell, to fly and be released of my pains. But I am wrong. All those years of trying to break free is a terrible error. I was so shocked when I realized that in trying to forget and trying to get rid of my burden, I was slowly killing myself. Paralyzing my other emotions. Overlooking great opportunities. Alienating Me, Myself and I.

While staring at that lonely star before dawn, the way we used to do when we want to explore our thoughts, I realized that regret, pain and heartaches are actually positive emotions in my life’s journey. It is impossible for me to forget. While I was fighting to erase and find cure for the emotional pain of my past, I am actually pouring more pain to myself.

I was like a tempestuous sea

trying to become a tranquil lake

only to realize that

I was the one making the terrible waves.

Like a soaring wild bird that is just been freed from a cage after years of captivity, I cried hard and moved on with ACCEPTANCE in my heart.

The Man with Defective Fingerprints

HERE IS THE COPY OF THE E-MAIL I SENT TO SSS

Dear SSS Member Relations:

I had a frustrating yet funny experience in SSS Pasig Branch.

I took a half-day leave for work, which is a big sacrifice for me last December 27, 2006 to apply for Social Security ID (E-6) in SSS Office-Pasig City.

I patiently waited in line for processing at 1:00 p.m. I submitted the E-6 form and finished the first step which is the VERIFICATION. Then waited again in another line for photo capture. Since only one photocapturing machine was available it took me 3 hours to be serviced, which I do understand.

After all my effort MY APPLICATION WAS DENIED!

I inquired why. The courteous lady (thank God she is courteous), told me its because I have DEFECTIVE FINGERPRINTS! She wrote that exact words at the very top my E-6 form in red ink. What? Is there such a thing as defective fingerprints? She told me the machine cannot detect the prints of my right thumb and right index finger. I do understand because I'm living alone and I have to do all the house chores and so the skin in my fingers is a little bit irregular. I realized that what she meant was UNCLEAR prints and not DEFECTIVE. But she keeps on referring to it as DEFECTIVE all throughout our conversation which is really disturbing.

The photocapturing lady advised me that I have to wait till my fingerprints get back to normal before she can process my digitized ID. How sad, really sad. Because as I observed, my right thumb and index finger is just like that for the past 3 years. I explained it to her and inquired if there's any alternative because I really need my digitized ID. Then suddenly, the smiles of the photocapturing-courteous lady vanished as if telling me "You must stop working within 6 months for your fingerprints to get back to normal", which also means me & my family will die of starvation.

Really funny.

Well, I really don't like arguing with office secretaries or other staffs because I know they are just following procedures and just doing their jobs or simply tired & bored to it.

But maybe somebody from the Member Relations can help or advise me what to do, or is there any alternative or other procedure that a member can take if he/she is declared to have DEFECTIVE FINGERPRINTS?

What is the procedure if a member has finger disfigurement or deformity? (Well I'm not planning to cut-off my fingers, I'm just curious.)

If you are planning to advise me to just buy hand lotions, well I already did and bought extra pack.

HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON.


Sincerely,

The Guy With Defective Fingerprints


P.S.
I still have the copy of my E-6 form with me signed by the validating officer.

Shut Up

It’s raining outside. I thought it’s still early for work but when I checked the time I’m shocked because I’m already late for office. Morning passed by as usual. It’s a routine. I thought everything was normal but something I’ve said ruins my morning and probably my whole day.
It is just meant to be a joke and morning greeting. Like saying "hello how’s your morning" but I’ve said it wrong. I joke about somebody’s health condition. I’ve been doing it before. But I didn’t realize that she is in bad mood today and somebody told me that she cried because I make her remember her health misfortunes.
Sometimes my sense of humor hurts people.
But I’ve learned something today. Never ever joke about other people’s sickness or disadvantages. It’s ok if they, themselves, are joking about it but not coming from anybody.
And I MUST remember the golden rule:
IF I HAVE NOTHING GOOD TO SAY… JUST SHUT UP!!!

The Leaf (unfinished)

Just three dark nights to go and it will be the start of another year. Here comes 2006. Like a leaf, my 2005 just withered, yellowed by time and become fragile. So fragile that it can be seized by just a soft kiss of the wind to the branch that nurtured it. Every leaf has its turn to leave its nurturing branch, join the wind to its never-ending journey and again embrace and nourish the earth so that it can give life to a new leaf.

I am a leaf. Nevertheless, I refuse to go and therefore become a confused leaf. My mind refuses to give me the answer on whether I am a leaf still attached to branch, a leaf that is sailing with the wind going on nowhere or a leaf waiting to be consumed by earth. 2005 was really a hard and barren year.

Today, three more tiring days to go before 2006, I left home for work before the sun rises to the Mt. of Montalban. As I walked deep in thought on what to expect next year, I caught a glimpse of scattered lazy fog moving smoothly, praying for the sun not to rise.

Fog reminds me of death.

I love fogs.

Suddenly I noticed a man walking at other side of the street. We are the only people on the street that early morning and he is going on where I am going. He looks tired and sad. He keeps on walking, slowly as if he is the only human being left on the planet after a terrible plague and war. He keep his head bowed as if stripped of all the human dignity & pride and continued walking like a blind that memorized a path after a million times of passing it….

And then, slowly, he lift up his head and stared at me.

I was so shocked because the man on the other side of the street is ME!
I don’t know if it was because of the fog. I looked again and blink. But my eyes was playing tricks on me.
I am looking at myself on the other side of the street. My mind refuse to believe it because it is impossible.
But I am there on the other side and between me and my other self was a thin fog….

Para Maiba Naman

Matagal din pala akong di nakapag-blag. Dami kasi trabaho. Habang click ako ng click kung saan saan kasabay ng pagwawala ni Alanis Morissette sa aking media player, napansin kong puro Ingles ang aking blag. At nagbalik sa aking ala-ala na trenta minutos kong pinag-isipan ang mga blag na yan bago nabuo.Eh kasi nga Ingles. Di katulad pag tagalog, dire-diretso lang ang pag type.
Kaya naman naisip ko na tagalugin naman ang aking mga blag. Dahil nga matagal na akong di nakapag blag eh naipon at dumami ng dumami ang nilalaman ng aking puso't isipan na noon ay karaniwan kong isinisiwalat sa pamamagitan ng pagsusulat.
Ang unang bagay na bumabagabag sa akin ay hindi ang impeachment ni Gloria at ang "Gloriagate Scandal" dahil mga peste sila lahat. Ang aking ikinababahala ay dahil wala akong maisip na dapat kong ikabahala na dapat talaga sa sitwasyon ko ngayon ay dapat na ako'y nababahala ngunit wala.
Ako ba ay isa ng bato? Insensitib?Paralisado?
Palagay ko naman ay hindi dahil nalasahan ko pa naman ang ulam kong "Century Tuna - Flakes in Oil" na tinanghalian ko kanina. Naisip kong masarap palang ulam ang mantika. Puro kasi oil ang "Century Tuna" pero natuwa naman ang bituka ko dahil hindi siya kumalam nung alas tres na.
Gabi na. Uuwi na ko. Siguro wala ng traffic.
Bukas ko na lang ulit ang kabaliwang ito.

Conquering Cavite

It's Saturday, and if it weren't for the "Baby Gaia’s Appointment", I might still be dozing. Besides, I badly need a lot of fresh air, which I supposed I would find in Cavite. Last night’s beer vapors escape from my mouth as I examine myself in the mirror. That is what I called "Special Mig-Migs Morning Beer Vapor". Each morning after spending the night in that rat-hole bar, I always realize that I hate that place. That I hate hangover and I hate myself. But that is after the fun. And so I always come back, err no --- WE always keep coming back. A little bit of guilt makes you realize you are still human. Hmmh, foolish thinking -- but makes sense.
We left Eastgate – "the nearest planet from the sun" at around 4:00 p.m. Together with the aliens from Eastgate (we are 10 or maybe 11 or 12, -- damn, it doesn’t matter I guess, we are all aliens anyway) we took the rectangle spaceship which they call on Earth as "Bus" going to the land called Cavite – the land of the unknown. The spaceship is full of Earthlings, so we have no choice but to stand during the whole trip. And so after 456.235 light years, we finally reach our destination. As I stepped out that oven-like "Bus", an idea entered my
Supercalifragilistic-espialidocious mind (hmmm, watta word…). That "bus" should be "bombed", so that it cannot torture anybody again. We are like baked potatoes when we arrived.
Why am I here again?
a. To get some fresh air.
b. To eat spaghetti.
c. To visit baby Gaia.
d. To have a couple of beer.
e. To conquer Cavite.
f. All of the above.
Do I really need to answer this -- Letter F summarizes it all.

Click this link to see picture of Baby Gaia and her alien parents
http://shw.fotopages.com/5492339/msg-12772-1.html

After we conquer Cavite, we go to Bicutan – the land of broken dreams, cradle of tired seafarers, the land of famous and scandalous jailbreaks. Together with Ricky Martin, Migz, Butchong and yours truly– the four alcohol-dependent, beer-deprived musketeers, we invaded Bicutan - the land of broken dreams, cradle of tired seafarers, the land of famous and scandalous jailbreaks. We spend the night there, talking nonsense, telling lies, making sad jokes and funny heartbreaking topics.
At last, I still saw the morning sun.
It’s a nice Sunday morning, hoping for new adventures – with Mr. Tide Ultra, my friendly gloves, Ms. Downy and my dirty clothes.