Blinding Darkness

"You will never have a greater or lesser dominion than that over yourself. . . . the height of a man's success is gauged by his self-mastery; the depth of his failure by his self-abandonment. . . . And this law is the expression of eternal justice. He who cannot establish dominion over himself will have no dominion over others."
Leonardo da Vinci (1452 - 1519)

After I signed the Warrior-of-the-Light’s sacred vow last 19th of June, I thought I am indestructible. I thought that the challenges and the war over myself and the expansion of my territorial bubble would be easy. But I was terribly wrong. The war has just begun.

I seem to be losing the war for the past three weeks. I don’t know if it is because of the constant rain or because I am ignorant of the Warrior’s tactics that causes my failure.
Darkness once again blinded me and pierced my heart. I thought I already have greater dominion over myself. I thought I would never again commit the greatest of man’s error, which is self-abandonment.

I accept that once again I have fallen.
I believe that the Warrior of the Light never commits the same mistake twice, but I violated it.
I once again enjoyed the sick cycle carousel ride, only to painfully regret it.
I have to go back again to the reasons why I have to win this fight. I have to fight even if I end up still fighting because if I surrender I will have no reason to live.

I am a Warrior of the Light
I have to win this fight.

The Road to My Personal Legend

The Road to My Personal Legend
Summoning the force of Sphyneckxzeus
The way of the Warrior of the Light

I am Yodz. I believe with all my heart that I am worthy of all the endeavors

I choose to pursue. I strongly believe that I can achieve all my dreams & goals in life. I believe that happiness is a choice, & I choose to be happy. I am happy & content with my life now. I know what I want to achieve & I know what I have to do to achieve it. I am making this day & everyday a masterpiece.

I am always taking care of my body, realizing the importance of moderation & balance, knowing that as I bring my flesh under control, it will be easy to control my will & actions. Everyday, I will eat more fruits & vegetables, drink lots of water & have sufficient sleep. I am avoiding unhealthy and junk foods. I am avoiding alcoholic drinks because it impairs my mental and physical faculties, which always leads to regretful mornings. Cleanliness is always my priority & I am always practicing good hygiene so that I can face the world with confidence.
In return for good health, I will treat everyone I meet everyday the way I want to be treated. I am beginning & ending each day with love in my heart. I am appreciating the life that I have, & very delighted in the reality of being alive. My past is forever gone, my future an uncertainty, so I will be happy & thankful for each moment.

I am spending my active income only for my needs, never for my wants. Everytime I will spend or disburse money, I will ask myself "Will this bring me closer to my financial goals?"
In return for this money, I will give the most efficient service of which I am capable, rendering the fullest possible quantity & the best possible quality of service. I believe that I will have this money in my possession. My faith is so strong that I can now see this money before my eyes. I can touch it with my hands. I am seeing myself rendering the best service in return for this money. I am awaiting a plan by which to accumulate this money, & I will follow that plan, when it is received.

I am spending time in study, learning how to better serve my fellowman. I know my growth in all areas is in direct proportion to the service I give to others. I will have my Masters Degree in 2010. I will do my best to finish my thesis. If they can do it, I know it is possible for me to do it. I am always finding time to improve my skills & knowledge in areas of Information Technology, Language & Writing. I am improving my writing skills by composing more blogs, poems & writing a book. I enjoy spending time reading books.

I am spending time for my family & friends. I am avoiding gossip, criticisms & negative thinking. I will not care about what others will say about me. This is my life & I am living it the way I wanted it to be. I know that if I am influenced by opinions of others, I have no desire of my own. The Warrior of the Light does not spend his days trying to play the role that others have chosen for him. It is not my responsibility to judge the dreams of others & I am not wasting time criticizing other people’s decisions.

I am getting everything done on time. When I see a new task, I plan it, schedule it, do it. My time is valuable & I treat it that way. I also understand that by being late, I am stealing other people’s precious time so I will arrive early on every appointment and every class. This is my way of valuing and respecting other people.

I am not committing the mistakes I made in the past. It is written that the true Warrior of the Light never commits the same mistake twice.

I see & feel myself doing it. I am very sure of myself that I can do it because I am always carrying with me - FAITH, HOPE & LOVE. I am doing all these with FAITH & strong DESIRE. I am doing all this with PERSISTENCE & DISCIPLINE And I am setting all this into ACTION, everyday & every minute of my life.
This is the road to my Personal Legend & no matter how long it takes or hard it is, I CAN DO IT!
I am Yodz, the force of Sphyneckxzeus is in me.
This is my sacred vow to become a true Warrior of the Light.

Signed:

Yodz De Veas y Insigne
Warrior of the Light
19th of June 2008

DECIDE!

I woke up this morning and I find myself plunging into my old self again. I’m losing my focus again. Drifting into that blackness. I find it very easy to go back into that old bad habit. I thought my fight was over. I thought I am free and in control of my thoughts but, I am wrong. Goddamn wrong. I am losing focus.
I entered that mad circle again. My mad world. Something is wrong with me. I feel I’m lost again and need to find that "fire within". I’M PROCRASTINATING AGAIN!
I have to make a change. A lasting change. And I have to find that courage again.
I MUST LIVE IN THE PRESENT
I MUST STOP PUTTING OFF BEING HAPPY.
DECIDE!!!
Life’s a bit too short to be crying over my lost opportunities and mistakes.

The Last Star Before Dawn

Living in her shadow, inseparable like the yin & yang, was a painful memory embedded deep in the corners of my mind. It was a long time ago and I tried hard to bury the pain attached to that mistake. All was said and done. The so-called relationship was over for more than a year now, but her shadow is still torturing my heart. The scent of the peaceful night, that silent patio and the last star you see before dawn all reminds me of the emotions attached to her shadow: love and regret, happiness and misery, fulfillment and pain.

I played my part, which is what I thought. I used to believe that the music I am playing was in harmony with the song of her heart. But I was wrong. I was lead to believe that she was only concerned about her song but I realized that I was only listening to my music and not to her song. I can’t find meaning to her song. The disharmony builds up and the loving music we created became noise. A noise that cuts a deep wound in my heart. Forever hurting.

Like a turtle that hates his shell, I go on with life. My protective shell, hardened by life’s trials and pain, became my burden. I tried hard to break free with my shell, to fly and be released of my pains. But I am wrong. All those years of trying to break free is a terrible error. I was so shocked when I realized that in trying to forget and trying to get rid of my burden, I was slowly killing myself. Paralyzing my other emotions. Overlooking great opportunities. Alienating Me, Myself and I.

While staring at that lonely star before dawn, the way we used to do when we want to explore our thoughts, I realized that regret, pain and heartaches are actually positive emotions in my life’s journey. It is impossible for me to forget. While I was fighting to erase and find cure for the emotional pain of my past, I am actually pouring more pain to myself.

I was like a tempestuous sea

trying to become a tranquil lake

only to realize that

I was the one making the terrible waves.

Like a soaring wild bird that is just been freed from a cage after years of captivity, I cried hard and moved on with ACCEPTANCE in my heart.

The Man with Defective Fingerprints

HERE IS THE COPY OF THE E-MAIL I SENT TO SSS

Dear SSS Member Relations:

I had a frustrating yet funny experience in SSS Pasig Branch.

I took a half-day leave for work, which is a big sacrifice for me last December 27, 2006 to apply for Social Security ID (E-6) in SSS Office-Pasig City.

I patiently waited in line for processing at 1:00 p.m. I submitted the E-6 form and finished the first step which is the VERIFICATION. Then waited again in another line for photo capture. Since only one photocapturing machine was available it took me 3 hours to be serviced, which I do understand.

After all my effort MY APPLICATION WAS DENIED!

I inquired why. The courteous lady (thank God she is courteous), told me its because I have DEFECTIVE FINGERPRINTS! She wrote that exact words at the very top my E-6 form in red ink. What? Is there such a thing as defective fingerprints? She told me the machine cannot detect the prints of my right thumb and right index finger. I do understand because I'm living alone and I have to do all the house chores and so the skin in my fingers is a little bit irregular. I realized that what she meant was UNCLEAR prints and not DEFECTIVE. But she keeps on referring to it as DEFECTIVE all throughout our conversation which is really disturbing.

The photocapturing lady advised me that I have to wait till my fingerprints get back to normal before she can process my digitized ID. How sad, really sad. Because as I observed, my right thumb and index finger is just like that for the past 3 years. I explained it to her and inquired if there's any alternative because I really need my digitized ID. Then suddenly, the smiles of the photocapturing-courteous lady vanished as if telling me "You must stop working within 6 months for your fingerprints to get back to normal", which also means me & my family will die of starvation.

Really funny.

Well, I really don't like arguing with office secretaries or other staffs because I know they are just following procedures and just doing their jobs or simply tired & bored to it.

But maybe somebody from the Member Relations can help or advise me what to do, or is there any alternative or other procedure that a member can take if he/she is declared to have DEFECTIVE FINGERPRINTS?

What is the procedure if a member has finger disfigurement or deformity? (Well I'm not planning to cut-off my fingers, I'm just curious.)

If you are planning to advise me to just buy hand lotions, well I already did and bought extra pack.

HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON.


Sincerely,

The Guy With Defective Fingerprints


P.S.
I still have the copy of my E-6 form with me signed by the validating officer.

Shut Up

It’s raining outside. I thought it’s still early for work but when I checked the time I’m shocked because I’m already late for office. Morning passed by as usual. It’s a routine. I thought everything was normal but something I’ve said ruins my morning and probably my whole day.
It is just meant to be a joke and morning greeting. Like saying "hello how’s your morning" but I’ve said it wrong. I joke about somebody’s health condition. I’ve been doing it before. But I didn’t realize that she is in bad mood today and somebody told me that she cried because I make her remember her health misfortunes.
Sometimes my sense of humor hurts people.
But I’ve learned something today. Never ever joke about other people’s sickness or disadvantages. It’s ok if they, themselves, are joking about it but not coming from anybody.
And I MUST remember the golden rule:
IF I HAVE NOTHING GOOD TO SAY… JUST SHUT UP!!!

The Leaf (unfinished)

Just three dark nights to go and it will be the start of another year. Here comes 2006. Like a leaf, my 2005 just withered, yellowed by time and become fragile. So fragile that it can be seized by just a soft kiss of the wind to the branch that nurtured it. Every leaf has its turn to leave its nurturing branch, join the wind to its never-ending journey and again embrace and nourish the earth so that it can give life to a new leaf.

I am a leaf. Nevertheless, I refuse to go and therefore become a confused leaf. My mind refuses to give me the answer on whether I am a leaf still attached to branch, a leaf that is sailing with the wind going on nowhere or a leaf waiting to be consumed by earth. 2005 was really a hard and barren year.

Today, three more tiring days to go before 2006, I left home for work before the sun rises to the Mt. of Montalban. As I walked deep in thought on what to expect next year, I caught a glimpse of scattered lazy fog moving smoothly, praying for the sun not to rise.

Fog reminds me of death.

I love fogs.

Suddenly I noticed a man walking at other side of the street. We are the only people on the street that early morning and he is going on where I am going. He looks tired and sad. He keeps on walking, slowly as if he is the only human being left on the planet after a terrible plague and war. He keep his head bowed as if stripped of all the human dignity & pride and continued walking like a blind that memorized a path after a million times of passing it….

And then, slowly, he lift up his head and stared at me.

I was so shocked because the man on the other side of the street is ME!
I don’t know if it was because of the fog. I looked again and blink. But my eyes was playing tricks on me.
I am looking at myself on the other side of the street. My mind refuse to believe it because it is impossible.
But I am there on the other side and between me and my other self was a thin fog….