My Indecision is Final

This is fuck*** weird; today is a busy-toxic Monday… I must be dreaming; this whole day seems to be just a recurrent dream. I’ve done this before. I’ve been here before. I perfectly remember… must be a damn déjà vu. It was like I was dying. There was so much in this damn job I have to do still. I’m turning 29 this October. I can’t disappoint my family and myself. Sometimes I just don’t know where I’m going in this life.

I used to believe that life was a journey that grows the self. Have I fucking grown? I don’t know. Sometimes, I’m having this hollow feeling that I don’t even know who I am anymore. All I know, all I believe is that there’s something I have to do.

Nevertheless, I know there were lots of good things that came out of this journey: funny friends, loving family, education, job. Yet, previous chapters of this chronicle was not totally the way I wanted it written – it is full of lost opportunities, regrets, regrets… hundreds of it and there’s always this urge to do something.

But what is it?

Should I change career? Should I go abroad? Should I finish my thesis? Should I resign?

Damn it’s pathetic holding on to a promise that were never made.

I looked at the same watch. It’s 8 in the evening. A few hours from now, I’ll be sleeping, feeling like this day never happened – or just a duplicate of all those previous crazy Mondays.

I suddenly realize, I must remember those best times I have felt in my life, think back of a time when I were my happiest; for me to find the answers…

…and make this day, the day of my final indecision.

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Image Credit : Pat Kumicich, "Indecision"