The Tyranny of My Second Mind

Looking at my feet, I walked, and did not notice the rain,
Till the gentle droplets reached my brows and fall like tears,
With clouded thoughts, I stride the deserted street,
The jeepneys were gone, and men also few.

Annoyed being ignored, the rain got furious,
I heard its million drops hit the battered asphalt,
Forming a king’s crown as its journey ends,
And in my hands I saw my dreams, abandoned like a child.



Yet blamed my other mind that fractured my resolve,
Than I reviled my existence and myself,
For subjecting my sacred vow,
Upon the tyranny of my second mind. ***

- random poem by Yodz -

[Reflections on losing discipline, indecision and losing focus. 

Written during during the typhoon "Karen"] 

20 August 2008, Mandaluyong City. 

Notes:__________________________

***Paulo Coelho, the famous author of “The Alchemist” said that we have two minds, first is the one we use in decision making and is used for logical thinking, the other one is the random thoughts and most of the time, uncontrolled. If you wake up with a song that just keeps playing in your mind, humming a melody without lyrics like a “ta-de-dum…la la la” thing, well that is your second mind doing its trick. In my case, I consider my second mind as my evil mind. Maybe that’s why Paulo Coelho strongly suggests controlling or in some instances, killing your second mind. [Notes from my post: Tomorrow I Will Kill My Second Thought]

My Indecision is Final

This is fuck*** weird; today is a busy-toxic Monday… I must be dreaming; this whole day seems to be just a recurrent dream. I’ve done this before. I’ve been here before. I perfectly remember… must be a damn déjà vu. It was like I was dying. There was so much in this damn job I have to do still. I’m turning 29 this October. I can’t disappoint my family and myself. Sometimes I just don’t know where I’m going in this life.

I used to believe that life was a journey that grows the self. Have I fucking grown? I don’t know. Sometimes, I’m having this hollow feeling that I don’t even know who I am anymore. All I know, all I believe is that there’s something I have to do.

Nevertheless, I know there were lots of good things that came out of this journey: funny friends, loving family, education, job. Yet, previous chapters of this chronicle was not totally the way I wanted it written – it is full of lost opportunities, regrets, regrets… hundreds of it and there’s always this urge to do something.

But what is it?

Should I change career? Should I go abroad? Should I finish my thesis? Should I resign?

Damn it’s pathetic holding on to a promise that were never made.

I looked at the same watch. It’s 8 in the evening. A few hours from now, I’ll be sleeping, feeling like this day never happened – or just a duplicate of all those previous crazy Mondays.

I suddenly realize, I must remember those best times I have felt in my life, think back of a time when I were my happiest; for me to find the answers…

…and make this day, the day of my final indecision.

_____________
Image Credit : Pat Kumicich, "Indecision"