Guaranteed Life is Propaganda

Sometimes I find it hard translating my feelings into words and as far as my personal blogging experience is concerned, I find it impossible to completely convey exactly what I feel – I can’t totally overcome blogger’s-block I guess. And although my written expressions might be improving, the more I write the more I am discovering how difficult the task of laying down words really is. I’m writing a draft of a personal e-mail right now and I don’t know why I find it so hard.

Evidently, I’m having a hard time conveying the frustrations I’m feeling right now. Thinking about your career and what you really want in life is really a huge everyday burden – especially if you suddenly realize that somewhere along the way, you took a wrong turn.


Eventually, at some point, I feel the need to be on the right track. FEAR always keeps me from moving on and over time it disguise itself as HOPE.  

I accept that I'm not guaranteed anything in my life, but rather I am given the opportunity to go after what I believe to be a worthy pursuit. Because there is no guaranty of success I will appreciate it all the more when I've achieved what I have set out to accomplish.

Through hard work, keeping my end result in mind, and applying ample stick-to-it-ness I know I will achieve what I really want in life.

Am I making sense here?

Enough of my self-help rants! Back to my e-mail…

The Tyranny of My Second Mind

Looking at my feet, I walked, and did not notice the rain,
Till the gentle droplets reached my brows and fall like tears,
With clouded thoughts, I stride the deserted street,
The jeepneys were gone, and men also few.

Annoyed being ignored, the rain got furious,
I heard its million drops hit the battered asphalt,
Forming a king’s crown as its journey ends,
And in my hands I saw my dreams, abandoned like a child.



Yet blamed my other mind that fractured my resolve,
Than I reviled my existence and myself,
For subjecting my sacred vow,
Upon the tyranny of my second mind. ***

- random poem by Yodz -

[Reflections on losing discipline, indecision and losing focus. 

Written during during the typhoon "Karen"] 

20 August 2008, Mandaluyong City. 

Notes:__________________________

***Paulo Coelho, the famous author of “The Alchemist” said that we have two minds, first is the one we use in decision making and is used for logical thinking, the other one is the random thoughts and most of the time, uncontrolled. If you wake up with a song that just keeps playing in your mind, humming a melody without lyrics like a “ta-de-dum…la la la” thing, well that is your second mind doing its trick. In my case, I consider my second mind as my evil mind. Maybe that’s why Paulo Coelho strongly suggests controlling or in some instances, killing your second mind. [Notes from my post: Tomorrow I Will Kill My Second Thought]

My Indecision is Final

This is fuck*** weird; today is a busy-toxic Monday… I must be dreaming; this whole day seems to be just a recurrent dream. I’ve done this before. I’ve been here before. I perfectly remember… must be a damn déjà vu. It was like I was dying. There was so much in this damn job I have to do still. I’m turning 29 this October. I can’t disappoint my family and myself. Sometimes I just don’t know where I’m going in this life.

I used to believe that life was a journey that grows the self. Have I fucking grown? I don’t know. Sometimes, I’m having this hollow feeling that I don’t even know who I am anymore. All I know, all I believe is that there’s something I have to do.

Nevertheless, I know there were lots of good things that came out of this journey: funny friends, loving family, education, job. Yet, previous chapters of this chronicle was not totally the way I wanted it written – it is full of lost opportunities, regrets, regrets… hundreds of it and there’s always this urge to do something.

But what is it?

Should I change career? Should I go abroad? Should I finish my thesis? Should I resign?

Damn it’s pathetic holding on to a promise that were never made.

I looked at the same watch. It’s 8 in the evening. A few hours from now, I’ll be sleeping, feeling like this day never happened – or just a duplicate of all those previous crazy Mondays.

I suddenly realize, I must remember those best times I have felt in my life, think back of a time when I were my happiest; for me to find the answers…

…and make this day, the day of my final indecision.

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Image Credit : Pat Kumicich, "Indecision"

Loving the Ropes

It was just a regular chat – nothing serious, nothing so important, just catching up with an old friend.

Then he casually said, “You know what, I can’t imagine myself doing other work other than what I’m doing right now. It is my life and I will be in this field for the rest of my life.” He uttered it with full conviction and enthusiasm.

I don’t know, but I suddenly feel a wave of envy and wish I could say that too. Like a terrible itch I cannot scratch, that feeling got stuck in me, making me feel uneasy for days.

Do I love my job? Am I happy doing this?

There are times when I hate every moment of it. I fill myself with dislike, wishing it was over. I want to be in any place but here. Doing other things but this. A feeling of being like a piece of a tangled yarn – always trying to untangle it, afraid that I will go on doing it for the rest of my life.

Then I end up miserable. Realizing that I waste part of my life to bad feelings.

I then realize that by hating my tasks, time slows to a crawl and I sentenced myself to prolonged suffering. I have to understand and accept the law of cause and effect which forces us take responsibility for our circumstances. I realize that I am where I am as the result of the choices I made, choices that maybe wrong or maybe right, but choices I made nonetheless.

I learned that I can make even a really boring job interesting, if I assert myself. And that I can build relationships & learn things at work that are as valuable as my paycheck, or more so.

I have to remember the Zen adage about “loving the ropes.”

Two people are tied up in chairs with ropes. One person struggles to get free, and ends up bruised, bleeding, and frustrated – and stays just as tightly tied as ever.

The other decides to love the ropes – and the ropes fall right off.

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Photo Credit : Katelyn Alain, "Tied" 48x48, 2006