Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts

Saturday, September 11, 2010

16 Funny Things To Ponder About Living in the 21st Century

 1.  The one thing that unites all human beings on the internet, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside we ALL hope that our friends/network will click that "Like" button on our Facebook status.. 

2. There is a very fine line between “Facebook,” "Twitter" and “mental illness.” 

3. The most powerful force in the internet and the whole universe, is gossip. 

4. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one Filipino policeman who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that policeman is crazy. 

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s gaining weight. 

6. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why your company has not achieved, and never will achieve, its goals, targets or implement plans for salary increase, that word would be “meetings.” 

7. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests and rallies is to annoy people who are not in them. 

8. If God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will NOT use, as His messenger, that guy on IBC 13, wearing red suit with fake smile who wants to be Philippine President. 

9. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 

10. You should not confuse your LIFE with career and money. 

11. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the fastfood waiters and salesladies, is not a nice person. 

12. Your friends love you, don't doubt that. 

13. Friends come and go, that's normal. If your enemies is accumulating - that's abnormal

14. Nobody cares if you can’t sing well in a videoke bar. Just get up and sing.. 

15. The battle of the sexes ended a few decades ago, too many already betrayed their own and joined the other side. 

16. A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.


Comments, Thoughts? Any additional points to ponder you might want to add?


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Ang Bading na Bubuyog » The Tragic Love Story of McDonald and Jollibee

My hang-over was extended up until last night. I thought I could sleep early but I can’t. That tiny headache inside my head was soooo annoying. So, I thought of ordering a double cheeseburger from McDo, hmmm no, I think I’ll have chicken-spaghetti with macaroni soup from Jollibee. But wait.. I think a cheeseburger will do. 

Damn! I can’t decide!
Maybe this is the effect of always having a Jollibee outlet just a few meters away from every McDo outlet. Their war is getting into my nerve!  

Frustrated, I grabbed my laptop and googled Jollibee and McDo to check their menu. However, I ended up reading articles about Jollibee and McDonald’s battle for market supremacy, myths about fastfood, hilarious McDonald’s parodies and how Jollibee stings McDonald’s in the Philippines.

I enjoyed some funny pictures and decided making a comic strip out of it. Maybe it will help me get sleepy. BTW, I end up eating pancit canton.

Here’s the story I made. Please drop a few notes on the comments section if you like it. 

Ang Bading na Bubuyog » The Tragic Love Story of McDonald and Jollibee (Komiks)


Monday, August 9, 2010

Naughty Confessions » The Memory of Our “First Time”

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put me off for a while searching for an excuse, but I refuse to be swayed as I approached you.

I asked if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. I had other experiences, but it’s the first time my finger has found the right place.


I probe deeply and you shiver-your body tenses, but I tried to be gentle like I’d promised.

I look deeply within your eyes and tell you to trust me. I’ve done this before, although not to a “first-timer” like you, but I assured you it is the same.

My cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give me more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg me to hurry, but I slowly take my time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As I press closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as I continue. I look at you, concerned , and ask you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for me to go on. I begin to go in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel me within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and I pull it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. I look at you, smiling warmly, telling you, with a chuckle, that you have been my most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thanked me. After all, it was your first time to have your tooth pulled by a non-dentist.

Naughty, Naughty!

Hmmm, excuse me... What were you thinking?


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

DO NOT CLICK THE RED BUTTON!



OK, did I somehow solve your boredom? After you make it till the end, give me your thoughts on the comments section below.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Yes, There are Dumb Managers

Once during a Management training program, a team of Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So these Managers went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.

They're falling off the ladders, dropping the measuring tape - the whole thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers,
Re-erects the flagpole and walks straight-away.

After the Engineer has gone, one Manager turns to another and laughs …

"Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length!"

Moral : No matter what good you do, Some managers can always find fault in you.

Is your manager or boss a fault-finder (and dumb)? You can [anonymously] curse him/her on the comments section below.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

What Men Should Never Say After Sex

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"

4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that sea-foods?"

7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."


10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"

11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.

12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"

16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"

17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"

18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Forrest Gump at the Gates of Heaven

I admit I only got to watch this movie last week (via pirated DVD - shucks, sorry OMB). The movie is really moving. I'm sure you already know the whole Forrest Gump story . 

I'm deleting my old e-mails and by chance I came across this old joke about Forrest Gump. It lighten my boring Saturday so I want to share it with you guys.
Here's the story:
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.


St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one- which two days in the week begin With the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but .....you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St.Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind..... but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from school. . . . ANDY NAME OF THE FATHER, OF THE SON?.."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run!"


Thursday, April 29, 2010

Tips for guys who goes shopping against their will

My female friends, girlfriend and my sister sometimes insist that I accompany them on their trips to Department Stores and sometimes in tiangge (thrift shops). Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to make alibis and get out. "Frustrating" as I usually describe it. 

Unfortunately, my female friends and also my sister (like most women) - - loves to browse, and the amazing thing is they have the power to persuade… against my will.

A friend sent me these cool  and funny tips to enjoy shopping with girls which I want to share with you guys:
1. Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they are not looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. Approach an employee and tell her in an official voice, 'There’s an emergency in Housewares. Get on it right away!"

5. Go to the Service Desk and try to put a bag of M&M's on the counter.

6. Move the  'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you will invite them in if they will bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk ask if they can help you, began crying and scream, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk where are the antidepressants.
11. Dart around the store, suspiciously, while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.

12. In the auto department, practice 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell 'PICK ME!

14. When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assume a fetal position and scream 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Have fun guys!!! Surely these girls will not invite you again against your will.

Any other tips? Please share it on the comments section below.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Woohhh!!! I Won the Philippine Mega Lotto! I am now a Millionaire!

I can't believe it, I AM NOW A MILLIONAIRE!!!

I asked a friend yesterday how to play the Mega Lotto 6/45 which is a six-number combination chosen from a lot of numbers from 1 to 45 and the odds of getting all six winning numbers is really what you will call luck. I'm really not into gambling and this is actually my first time in trying my luck in Philippine lotto and I'm just bored so I bought a ticket.


I just picked these number at random 30-06-36-11-17-03 and when I checked the winning number today, I can't believe it is the exact number! I checked and re-checked and re-checked... It's really the winning number!

What to do with my 13 Million Pesos

Well I don't have the money yet. It's still holiday and offices will not be open until Monday but I am now thinking of what to do with the money. Maybe save it in the bank while planning a good business. 

Of course to celebrate my luck, I'll throw a party and EVERYONE IS INVITED!!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Our Dirty Mind

I admit. I have a dirty mind.

Does it mean my visual sense is not objective? In that there is not a perfect one to one ratio between what I see and how I make sense of what I see compared to you guys?

I think not. Look at these pictures, I’m sure you will also see what I see.




I think our brain interprets what our eyes perceive based not solely on the visual stimuli we are looking at but on our experiences, especially sex.

When looking at these pictures, I think our brain takes in the visual stimuli and then connects it to our sexual experiences, or matching it to our favorite pornography. In other words, we perceive these pictures in the context of what is familiar and previously stored in our brains as meaningfully recognizable.


Ask some small children with no knowledge of sex to tell you what they see in these pictures. Will they perceive the image as adults do? Psychological articles tell us the answer is no. In fact, they will see nine dolphins in a bottle in the last picture, do you see the dolphins? Well, look again. 

________________
Photo Credit: {Last picture} “Message of Love from the Dolphins” by Swiss artist Sandro Del-Prete.
                    {other pictures} via forwarded e-mail

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Pretending to Be Busy at Work Can Cause Diarrhea


Jim, my officemate was recently promoted to assistant manager but I guess he couldn't reconcile himself to his new office and position.

Before 5:00 p.m., Mr. Swabe (not his real name), our senior manager, used to drop by at every office on his way out for a little chit-chat. Yesterday, I saw him heading to Jim’s office, so I warned Jim in advance.

To show how important and busy he was, he picked up the phone and then asked Mr. Swabe to have a seat. Jim kept talking on the phone, nodding and saying, "No problem, I can handle that," “Yes,” “Yes, everything is being taken care of, don’t worry.”

After a few minutes he hung up and asked Mr. Swabe what he could do for him.
Before Mr. Swabe could reply, somebody from the building maintenance office suddenly came in and said,  "Sir, I'm here to connect your phone."

Jim suddenly excused himself and ran to the CR and stayed there for an hour.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Colorful Life of a Champion - Funny Tribute To Manny "Pac-Man" Pacquiao

I know Mondays are hell-day at work, so I thought of sharing this to you guys - the visitors and readers of this blog, hoping this post can at least make you smile. Have a break! Smile!
________________________ 
 
Emmanuel Dapidran Pacquiao (pronounced /ˈpækjaʊ/; born December 17, 1978), known as Manny "Pac-Man" Pacquiao is a Filipino professional boxer, part-time actor and recording artist.


At an early age, Manny is already showing signs of athleticism.


Manny came from a poor family. So most of the time, he's on the street begging.
 

 Because of his determination,Manny was able to finish Elementary.


  
Unfortunately because of poverty, he's not lucky enough to finish High School.

 

 At the age of 15,
he already showed his inclination
on different sports like....

Sumo Wrestling

 
  
and Basketball

 

However, sad to say Manny
failed on those sports...

That's why Manny became very depressed.

So depressed...

  

Until Freddie Roach came to the rescue

  

and the rest is history...

At present, Manny holds the distinction of being
a seven time world champion in 7 different weight division.

Because of his popularity in the boxing world....
Manny became an International Celebrity.

He already made international
and local films like....

"Super Pac-Man"

 

"Dragon Ball Z"

 

"Saving Sergeant Pacquiao"  
 

"Star Wars"

  

"Lord of the Rings"


 

and "Twilight"

  

Because of the success of Twilight
a local sequel was produced and
it was entitled....

"Toilet"

  

Other Local Films made by Manny are....

"Machete"

  

"Tora-Tora Bang-Bang"

  

He also made top rating Teleserye like....

"Marimar"

  

"Dyesebel"

  

 and "Meteor Rain"
 


 Because of Manny's popularity,
his mother Aling Dionisia also
became an instant celebrity.

Just like Manny, Aling Dionisia
also made top rating Teleserye like...

"Rusaleynda"

 

 and "Katursi"



Manny was not really happy about the
idea of his mother joining showbiz,
because in short span of time
Aling Dionisia got involved
in various sex scandals like....

Careless Whisper Scandal

 


and Web Cam Scandal
 


  Despite the intrigues,
Manny is continuously receiving
medals and awards because of the
honor he has given to our country..

  

For all of us.....he's a Hero!!!

  

Actually, there's a proposal in Congress
to print Manny Pacquiao's face
in the Five Peso Bill.

  

We can never tell....in the near future
because of Fame and Fortune,
Manny Pacquiao could become
the next Philippine President.

  

WOW! what a Cinderella story......
hahahaha.... it was so touching!

Definitely we are not laughing at Manny Pacquiao,
neither we are laughing at Mommy Dionisia.
We are laughing at the pictures depicting both of them.

Who will laugh at Manny Pacquiao....

Our world stops every time he's on the ring,
the crime rate goes down and you can feel the
unity among Filipinos.

He's an inspiration to all of us.

He's the best pound for pound boxer in world
right now and nobody can dispute that.

Just recently he gave another honor to our country
by becoming the cover of Time Magazine.

 


In November 14, Manny Pacquiao set a new world record as the 1st boxer to become a "Seven time Champion of the World" in as many different weight divisions.

What a Feat!!!........



Note: Received via forwarded e-mail. Above pictures are intended as visual satires only, (this only means they are really famous.) Kindly contact yodz for original photo citation, or request for deletion - but read my disclaimer first.     

Monday, November 16, 2009

Yodz Guide To Interpreting Profile Photo on Social Networking Sites

Do you have a photo of your dog as your profile pic on Facebook, Friendster or Multiply? What about a picture of you and your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend? One buddy I went to college with has an image of his penis (that is what he says) as his profile pic. Every time my female college classmates see it, it weirds them out.

Some believe that having a profile picture… a good profile picture… is one of the most important aspects of online surfing or Facebook profile.

However, I do always think that a profile is not as important as your first approach message… but it is a key element if you are selling yourself (looking for relationship or sex online.)

I don’t know what a lot of netizens think when a “no-face” tries to talk to them on the internet without a picture? Maybe they are thinking… Wow, what a creep. What’s he/she got to hide? He/She probably looks like a disgusting mutant. Gross! Even worse… they might also think you’re just down-right unconfident and insecure.

But, are the impressions of those strangers important? 

So what kind of pictures should I be using?
The study entitled “Is Your Profile Picture Worth 1000 Words? Photo Characteristics Associated with Personality Impression Agreement,” explored the characteristics of the profile photographs and their association with impression agreement. It concludes that the more information the photos contained about the personality of the profile owners, the higher the impression agreement from zero-acquaintance visitors. Profile photos of a human being rather than an animal or non-human object were associated with higher impression agreement. Impression agreement was also higher when the photos revealed facial features (such as smiling) and hairstyles (not obscured by hats), which have been shown in past research to be used appropriately to gauge Extraversion and Agreeableness in strangers (Zebrowitz and Collins 1997).

By the way, here is a supposed-to-be guide for interpreting the profile pictures of your unknown "friends" in Myspace, Facebook, Friendster, etc.



EXAMPLE
PHOTO TYPE
WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK
 THE TRUTH

BLURRY
Artistic
Has acne, possibly mustache if female, nearsighted, cross-eyed.

ANIME
Eccentric, possibly Japanese
Computer geek, Can't leave childhood

Holding some sort of alcoholic beverage
Funny, laid back
There was never been a photograph taken of them where they weren't holding an alcoholic beverage

Very closely cropped
Enigmatic
Fat

Jamming on Guitar
He's in a popular band and rocks out all the time
Unemployed

Close-up breasts
Sexy and Naughty
Fat

Face at strange, usually downward angle
Eccentric possibly super model
Ugly; this is the only good picture of them ever taken

Dark brooding
Doesn't care
Dangerous, possibly a pirate or a terrorist

Cartoon character, such as Tweety Bird or Bugs Bunny
Cute, playful
Immature, probably fat or ugly

Guy with beard sitting on couch
Sits on a couch a lot, has a beard
Sits on a couch a lot, has a beard